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Into the Void

BY: J.M. Vrooman

It feels like darkness follows me wherever I go. I can't help but to feel like that little black rain cloud hovers over my head. I walk around as the rain falls and I can't help but to feel completely alone. I have searched high and low for a solution.

Why do I feel alone in a crowded room? Even though I am surrounded by my friends and family, I still feel misplaced. My therapist told me, It's not uncommon to feel alone when you have PTSD. They continue to laugh and smile. I hope my fake smile is enough to convince them that nothing is wrong. They tried to put me on medication but that just turns me into a zombie. What's wrong with me? I think it's the sadness in my eyes that gives me away.

Some people think I am crazy or that I am making it up. “It all in your head,” they shout. It doesn't matter how many times you tell me, nothing will change the fact that it happened. I am trying to stay calm and not let their words hurt. There are people who are concerned and ask if I am alright. I tell them I am fine because sometimes I feel perfectly fine. I don’t mean to lose control of my emotions when things are bad. I am always the one apologizing but for what exactly I am not sure? Is it because you can’t accept me as I am now, is that why I feel the need to apologize to you? Maybe it’s because I can’t even accept myself.

Many years have passed and I am having fewer nightmares and my panic attacks are almost gone; that is until I get triggered again. Then it becomes a vicious cycle of trying to convince myself I'm safe and it's not real. I still see and hear things others can’t. It really happened but I won't let it define me. When I yell, it's because I have lost control, when I cry it's because I can no longer hold in my tears. I feel on edge all the time and sometimes I want to be left alone.

All I need is to be accepted as the person I am now. If you can do that then maybe I can start to heal a little bit more. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again but with your love I can try. With a little understanding maybe things can return to normal. The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love attacks your mental state.

This world is filled with pain and love. I believe that love is the cure for pain and suffering. This is from someone who understands the darkness and only seeks the light. Love is the light we all seek and it's not hard to find. A little kindness can grow into understanding. Even a gentle smile can change someone's day. Please be sweet and kind to strangers because you don’t know their story.

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